STAR WARS EPISODE 2394457XB The Lost Chapter
by Silith Akaihane
Summary: This is purely for gits and shiggles. Yoda is so totally OOC. R&R if you feel like it.


_/This story is pure crack induced retardism. Everyone except Yoda is an OC and therefor copyright to their creator. Me and Rei. Oh gods, forgive me./_

**IN A GALAXY KINDA REALLY FARISH FROM THIS AREA OF SPACE**

_Where's the real narrator? I can't do this on my own! I mean, what the hell is this space for? What? A plot? BUT THERE IS NO PLOT! Uh! Er… forget I said that!_

The Grim Jedi. Not a very original name, but it suits the particular Jedi knight we'll be following. Taiin Rei (our intrepid and sulky bish of an anti-hero; TAKE THAT ANAKIN) and his padawan(ker) Sil (our only sliiiiightly focked in tha head sidekick who makes the coffee) must… uh… fight the Sith? Yeah! Fight the Sith in an attempt to save the planet…Gogoma? Nononono… uh… Domathe! They must save the inhabitants of Domathe from TEH DARK SIIIIIIIDE. Darth Billy-Joe-Bob is evil! And is Sith! And uh… y'know… corrupted! HE EATS WOOKIES FO' BREAKFAST FOOLS! And shags sheep. All fear the wool sodomizing inbred bastage that is the RED-NECKED DOOM.

We join the story with our not-quite-so-cute-and-cuddly Jedi Reaper currently being dragged out of solitude by Master Yoda. The two rather uh… 'unique' Jedi are meeting in a private location where a carefully concealed Jedi temple has been maintained. Or something like that. But it's either a temple or a bar on Nar-Shaada, and frankly I don't think Yoda likes the Rodian version of Jack Daniels.

ON WITH TEH STORY!

The oh so sullen and badass (and clichéd) hero sunk into the squishy confines of what appeared to be a large inflatable chair, filled with some form of transparent red gel. It was comfy enough, and normally would have been a pleasant enough seat; unfortunately, swimming in a disturbingly leech-esque way, were what appeared to be… well, leeches. Little black and brown ones to be exact. Little black and brown ones that seemed to be attracted to his body heat and flocked to the thin barrier that separated their little biting noses from his butt. He noted rather bitterly that the shriveled green prune of a Jedi Master across from him was sitting in a similar chair, although it was blue and lacked invertebrate life. He did not, however, lack a god-damned smug smile on his midget face.

"Got the good chair, I did."

Rei muttered something under his breath. Which really could have been "Hello, there", or "Yo, Yoda" or even "...Oh, you wrinkly green whore." or perhaps "Damn bastardous raisin mutant." It didn't really matter, since it seemed Yoda didn't hear him. Or just didn't care. Hell, he was what, over 900 years old? The dude'd probably heard worse from his own ma.

"Wondering why I called you here, you are." He grunted, sounding like a broken muppet toy. Or a wookie passing wind.

"Mm." Not really a yes or a no, it seemed Rei was more interested in the pole of his oh-so-uber-badarse, personally designed, custom made, one of a kind lightscythe. Because normal lightsabers were for wankers. Really folks, he's not compensating for anything. Nuh-uh. Totally not. We think. In reality it's a scythe because of the tactical advantage of reach. And it was more efficient when zipping around on his stolen then re-vamped sith speeder. You should see the high-speed decapitations. 'ZOOOOOM-SWACK!'

"Time for you to take a padawan, it is."

"Not this crap again… Master Yoda, I really don't need a padawan."

"Giving you a choice, you think I am?"

"Look, you said yourself I wasn't a model Jedi-"

A grimy looking three-fingered hand was waved dismissively, silencing his protests. "Excuses, you will stop giving. A padawan, you must take."

"...But I'm like, on the borderline of Darkness!" Rei pointed out.

"Such a will, such power, rarely is found." The alien countered, driving home a legitimate point.

"...You're one stubborn ASS, Yoda"

"Know this, I do" Yoda smiled, ears wiggling at the sides of his football shaped head. Coincidentally, Rei was just then concidering punting said head.

The jedi grumbled, flicking away a leech that had somehow gotten outside of the chair. It landed a few meters away on the floor with a satisfying splat and promptly spontaneously combusted. "...Fine, but in exchange, you must give me the cup of ETERNAL TEA."

"Drive a hard bargain, you do. But it shall be done."

"Alright, so who's my buttmonkey. I mean padawan?" Rei sighed, getting rather fed-up with the wrinkly toad.


End file.
